When I googled Yoga for Beginners I got about 534,000 results.  Needless to say I was a bit overwhelmed and clicked randomly on only one.  Where I was greeted with the following phrase: “In this asana the external organs of the body are kept in such a way that they stand divided in two”.

I can safely say that this is a very good and thorough result for Yoga for Beginners.  My external organs are not only divided permanently in two, but they are also Forever Altered.  In fact – since I started Yoga, I have discovered external organs I never even knew I had.  This is a bit of a mixed blessing.  A bit like finding a family member you never knew about – great if they’re wealthy and look like Tom Cruise.  Not so cool if they arrive hooded and bouncing off the walls, using words like “innit” and “dude”, and sniff a lot.

My google search also revealed the words “Balance” and “Relaxed”.  Sometimes even “Relaxed Balance”.  These words should be struck off summarily and should not be allowed in any sentence containing the word Yoga.  They are mutually exclusive and therefore meaningless in the same context.

So – let me tell you how Yoga works (assuming you have already mastered The Art Of Being New).  (And if you are one of The Gals That Came Last Time – you know a whole lot more than I do, so why are you even reading this??)

First of all – make sure you’ve had a pedicure done in the last decade.  Because it seems at yoga everyone whips off their shoes at the door.  Which is lovely.  Provided you have not got a mini Grand Canyon on your heels and blue toenails from running.

Ok.  So you’ve got through the door, found a mat, got any embarrassing introductory measures out of the way and the beautiful Guru-In-Charge-Person has finally stopped asking you about your history of heart disease and obesity (tactfully keeping her eyes averted from afore-mentioned bulging gusset).  There is a tasteful little sound system emitting calming noises – Gregorian Chanting and whales mating and that sort of thing.  (As a brief aside – make the most of this moment, which is lovely, calm, and filled with delighted anticipation.  This is the Before.  When your external organs are still Undivided. )

Let us begin.  Breathe in through your nose, out through your nose.  In through your nose, out through your nose.  (This may seem like an awful lot of common sense, but believe me, you’ll be glad of this mundane advice in a few short minutes when you have completely forgotten what breathing is, let alone how to do it).

This is the Sun Salutation (with apologies to Beautiful Guru Chief): Inhale, raise your hands, exhale, bend down and touch the palms of your hands to the floor, with your head resting on your knees and your legs straight.  Inhale.  Step or jump back into the plank position.  Tuck in your abdominals and tighten your bottom.  Inhale. Exhale. Etc. Gently lower yourself down by bending your arms, and stretch your neck and back upwards into the Upward Facing Dog.  Inhaling and what not.  At this point you should be resting only on the tops of your feet and the palms of your hands.  Exhale and so on. Now push back and roll over your toes (it’s very simple, work it out) into the Downward Facing Dog.  Push the soles of your feet into the mat and relax your head and shoulders down.  Inhale, look up, step or jump forwards, exhale, stand up. Inhale; raise your hands…and back to the beginning.

HAHAHA.  Who am I kidding???  I am carefully observing the 2-second rule (see previous blog), and am therefore already lost – inhaling as everyone else is exhaling and raising my arms when they are bent casually in two from the waist like neatly folded ashtanga-attired bits of paper.

I am flopping helplessly around, knees bent and head nowhere near them, as 12 Gals From Last Time and Guru-Master-Lady glide effortlessly into the plank.  My plank looks more like a blanket, and I have stopped inhaling and exhaling altogether.

They are all obediently facing upwards, like good dogs.  I am lying, face down, on the mat, desperate for water, but, Lemming that I am, too embarrassed to reach for it – not to mention entirely incapable of any movement at all, my external organs having been rudely awakened and divided in two without ceremony.

Now for the Downward Facing Dog.  Seriously.  Who in their right mind would get down on all fours, voluntarily raise their non-Nivea Glutes into the sky and hope to look elegant at the same time?? As for stepping or jumping forwards…when your external organs are divided – it is quite simply impossible.

So I just lie there.  Limply expired.  On the mat.  As 12 perfectly choreographed Gals from Last Time and Supreme Zen Warrior finally come to rest…and notice me…