OK, OK. One-Mouse is In The House… (technically I have been here all along – but what can I say – blogging requires deliberation and inspiration, Followers. Not to mention a dearth of distractions such as mince pies and hat parties. But here I am. Back.)

Before I start, I want to thank all of you who have commented. Or at least, I want to thank all of you whose comments I have allowed to be published on my blog. (Haha – yes, The Blogger Decides!!)  If you have commented, and you do not appear on the list – then this is for you. (If you have commented and you do appear on the list – I LOVE you. Comment again. Become A Mouse Two.)

But if your comment does not appear – there is usually a Very Good Reason for that. I get at least 6 emails a day informing me that someone has commented on one or the other of my posts. That’s, like, 42 emails a week. Roughly 128 a month. (Ok – don’t check the maths – I already told you – it’s not one of my strong points). It would be lovely if they were all telling me how great One-Mouse is and offering me useful advice on how to Master The Art Of Being Permanently Divided in Two. But in 127 out of 128 cases, this is sadly not the case.

So I have devised a quick and efficient way of Weeding Out The Serious One-Mousers from the Seriously Deluded. It comprises 3 parts:

1. Do the words Sex, Toys, Fetish, Viagra or any other derivation/augmentation/devolution of, appear in the comment, the user name or the email address of the commentator?

2. Is the user name at least vaguely within the parameters of normality?

3. Is the comment in English? If yes – does it make sense?

This effectively renders unto the Trash Box at least 80% of all comments. For example, I get quite a few comments from jasin@sseeexx2012. I am sure he is someone’s son and therefore must have had some good points at some stage, but I just don’t really think it’s any of his business whether I wear pants or not. It is not a blog I have even written yet, so I feel the comment is little premature for a start. Delete Forever. (There is something quite therapeutic about Deleting Someone Forever.)

Then there is growtallerwithme who comments at least once a week. I have an issue with growtallerwithme because I know I am not exactly tall (not exactly even medium height either) but who says I want to growtallerwithyouor withanyoneatallforthatmatter? Perhaps I like being svelte and petite (ok – short and a bit chubby). And anyway, growtallerwithme, you have completely missed the point of any blog I have ever written. I do not impart knowledge! I do not provide facts or figures or anything useful at all. So don’t keep telling me “thanks to the writer coz I have found a lot good knowledge”. You have found a lot good nothing, dear. And you speak a lot good rubbish. And you cannot spell a lot good either. Send to Trash Permanently.

This brings me onto 3. Is the comment in English and does it make sense? I mean, seriously, downloadfreemovies – do you use a phrase-book to help you formulate your comments? “In essence, the story is, in point of fact, the greatest on this noteworthy topic. I agree with your inferences.” What is that? The Collins Guide To Totally Imprecise Commenting? I was writing about running over a DOG, downloadfreemovies! Which inference do you agree with, specifically?? Which part of I Nearly Squashed Enzo didn’t you understand, dear? Delete Forever.

So – as I said, the 3-point plan is fairly effective. But it is not entirely foolproof and certainly does not mean that what remains is safe to unleash upon you, my (real) followers. Take, for example, Celeste Wank (yes, I know, I know – missed that the first time) who “incontestably agrees with what I am saying and has been talking about this subject a lot lately with her father.” Well, I am not sure what Mr W. and his daughter actually do discuss, but I seriously doubt it is Yoga Part One – The Art Of Being New. It just doesn’t really seem to me to be discussion material. Whether you are called W. or not. Mark As Spam.

Traveloffers.com writes periodically to thank me for the superb analysis I have done on Advice from the Vet. That’s lovely. And totally inappropriate, which clearly shows you have not read a single iota of what I actually wrote! Mobilephonespy says my information is very useful and my research is invaluable. It is invaluable because it has no value at all, mobilephonespy. And, come to think of it – what is a mobile phone spy? Remind me to check my phone. Delete forever.

Oh, and thanks so much to those commenters who feel impelled to send me lovely little snippets of wisdom. “Cry for the moon” and “a leopard cannot change its spots” and “pet care is a big responsibility” (in fairness, at least that one was in response to The Dog Blog, so it had a modicum of relevance). I think it is lovely that you bothered to put in something that at least makes sense, but I deleted you forever anyway.

And as for Kip Reigle…Kip, my dear Kip. There ought to be a fate worse than Deleting Forever in your case. I like to think of myself as fairly easy-going and relaxed (ok – a slight exaggeration, but She Who Writes The Blog and all that) but you test me, Kip. You try my patience. In short – you make me feel like punching something. It’s not very nice to say mean things, Kip. “The next time I just read a blog, I am hoping that it doesn’t fail me as significantly as this place” is not a very nice thing to say. So I have Deleted You Forever, Marked You As Spam and Sent You To Trash Permanently. Don’t take it personally. But please don’t come back.

So, in conclusion, thank you for your comments.  I welcome them. I thrive on them. And if I don’t – I simply delete them. Forever.