When I googled Yoga for Beginners I got about 534,000 results.\u00a0 Needless to say I was a bit overwhelmed and clicked randomly on only one.\u00a0 Where I was greeted with the following phrase: \u201cIn this asana the external organs of the body are kept in such a way that they stand divided in two\u201d.<\/p>\n
I can safely say that this is a very good and thorough result for Yoga for Beginners.\u00a0 My external organs are not only divided permanently in two, but they are also Forever Altered.\u00a0 In fact \u2013 since I started Yoga, I have discovered external organs I never even knew I had.\u00a0 This is a bit of a mixed blessing.\u00a0 A bit like finding a family member you never knew about \u2013 great if they\u2019re wealthy and look like Tom Cruise.\u00a0 Not so cool if they arrive hooded and bouncing off the walls, using words like \u201cinnit\u201d and \u201cdude\u201d, and sniff a lot.<\/p>\n
My google search also revealed the words \u201cBalance\u201d and \u201cRelaxed\u201d.\u00a0 Sometimes even \u201cRelaxed Balance\u201d.\u00a0 These words should be struck off summarily and should not be allowed in any sentence containing the word Yoga.\u00a0 They are mutually exclusive and therefore meaningless in the same context.<\/p>\n
So \u2013 let me tell you how Yoga works (assuming you have already mastered The Art Of Being New).\u00a0 (And if you are one of The Gals That Came Last Time \u2013 you know a whole lot more than I do, so why are you even reading this??)<\/p>\n
First of all \u2013 make sure you\u2019ve had a pedicure done in the last decade.\u00a0 Because it seems at yoga everyone whips off their shoes at the door.\u00a0 Which is lovely.\u00a0 Provided you have not got a mini Grand Canyon on your heels and blue toenails from running.<\/p>\n
Ok.\u00a0 So you\u2019ve got through the door, found a mat, got any embarrassing introductory measures out of the way and the beautiful Guru-In-Charge-Person has finally stopped asking you about your history of heart disease and obesity (tactfully keeping her eyes averted from afore-mentioned bulging gusset).\u00a0 There is a tasteful little sound system emitting calming noises \u2013 Gregorian Chanting and whales mating and that sort of thing.\u00a0 (As a brief aside \u2013 make the most of this moment, which is lovely, calm, and filled with delighted anticipation.\u00a0 This is the Before.\u00a0 When your external organs are still Undivided. )<\/p>\n
Let us begin.\u00a0 Breathe in through your nose, out through your nose.\u00a0 In through your nose, out through your nose.\u00a0 (This may seem like an awful lot of common sense, but believe me, you\u2019ll be glad of this mundane advice in a few short minutes when you have completely forgotten what breathing is, let alone how to do it).<\/p>\n
This is the Sun Salutation (with apologies to Beautiful Guru Chief): Inhale, raise your hands, exhale, bend down and touch the palms of your hands to the floor, with your head resting on your knees and your legs straight.\u00a0 Inhale.\u00a0 Step or jump back into the plank position.\u00a0 Tuck in your abdominals and tighten your bottom.\u00a0 Inhale. Exhale. Etc. Gently lower yourself down by bending your arms, and stretch your neck and back upwards into the Upward Facing Dog.\u00a0 Inhaling and what not.\u00a0 At this point you should be resting only on the tops of your feet and the palms of your hands.\u00a0 Exhale and so on. Now push back and roll over your toes (it\u2019s very simple, work it out) into the Downward Facing Dog.\u00a0 Push the soles of your feet into the mat and relax your head and shoulders down.\u00a0 Inhale, look up, step or jump forwards, exhale, stand up. Inhale; raise your hands\u2026and back to the beginning.<\/p>\n
HAHAHA.\u00a0 Who am I kidding???\u00a0 I am carefully observing the 2-second rule (see previous blog), and am therefore already lost – inhaling as everyone else is exhaling and raising my arms when they are bent casually in two from the waist like neatly folded ashtanga-attired bits of paper.<\/p>\n
I am flopping helplessly around, knees bent and head nowhere near them, as 12 Gals From Last Time and Guru-Master-Lady glide effortlessly into the plank.\u00a0 My plank looks more like a blanket, and I have stopped inhaling and exhaling altogether.<\/p>\n
They are all obediently facing upwards, like good dogs. \u00a0I am lying, face down, on the mat, desperate for water, but, Lemming that I am, too embarrassed to reach for it \u2013 not to mention entirely incapable of any movement at all, my external organs having been rudely awakened and divided in two without ceremony.<\/p>\n
Now for the Downward Facing Dog.\u00a0 Seriously.\u00a0 Who in their right mind would get down on all fours, voluntarily raise their non-Nivea Glutes into the sky and hope to look elegant at the same time?? As for stepping or jumping forwards\u2026when your external organs are divided \u2013 it is quite simply impossible.<\/p>\n
So I just lie there.\u00a0 Limply expired.\u00a0 On the mat.\u00a0 As 12 perfectly choreographed Gals from Last Time and Supreme Zen Warrior finally come to rest\u2026and notice me\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I googled Yoga for Beginners I got about 534,000 results.\u00a0 Needless to say I was a bit overwhelmed and clicked randomly on only one.\u00a0 Where I was greeted with the following phrase: \u201cIn this asana the external organs of … Continue reading