I started Yoga two weeks ago.\u00a0 I decided it was Time.\u00a0 Two of my friends told me they were \u201calso just beginning\u201d and \u201ccompletely useless\u201d and that I would feel very comfortable in this small group of 13. (I was to be 13.\u00a0 I should have taken more careful note at the time).<\/p>\n
Now I don\u2019t profess to be a hardened exercisee, but I have attended my fair share of aerobics\/step\/pump\/dance-fit etc classes.\u00a0 So I have already mastered the Art of Being New.<\/p>\n
The first thing that happens is this:
\nYou walk into a room full of strangers, who are generally wearing Nike this and Adidas that.\u00a0 They are all talking about Mutual Friends and Last Night\/Last Weekend\/Monaco\/The Joneses.\u00a0 They shoot you a sideways look, which to the uninitiated could possibly pass as a friendly acknowledgement.\u00a0 To The Newcomer, however, it clearly says \u2013 You are New.\u00a0 This is My Territory.\u00a0 That is My Mat. Take your No-name Trainers to The Back and do not attempt Conversation.<\/p>\n
You stumble as inconspicuously as possible to the back and take covert measure of your surroundings.\u00a0 This is essential.\u00a0 You need to know where the water cooler is, and how to operate it (there is nothing more embarrassing than a Water Cooler Incident \u2013 I know, believe me), where to put your water bottle and how to set up your mat\/step\/weights\/band\/ball \u2013 it sounds mundane \u2013 but to the Newcomer \u2013 it is an ordeal of highest proportion.<\/p>\n
Then the Instructor enters, sporting Nike this, Adidas that, New Balance something else.\u00a0 She is, without fail, like the Nivea girl who leaps around displaying No-Cellulite Legs and looks perennially 23.\u00a0 Everyone knows her.\u00a0 She is usually called Mimi or Randi or Apple, or something equally catchy. They all engage in friendly banter about how sore their butts are From The Last Time (pointed sideways look in Newcomer\u2019s direction) and how they Really Need To Work On Their Glutes. (At this point they surreptitiously tighten said offenders and glance imperceptibly at their perfect silhouettes in the mirrors.\u00a0 Then they shoot an even less perceptible glance around the room, comparing butts.\u00a0 Then seamlessly go back to the friendly-but-lethal banter.)<\/p>\n
Then the next thing that happens is this:
\nThe Instructor looks around and says something pleasant like \u201cHello gals \u2013 let\u2019s get this started \u2013 if you think your butts were sore Last Time, that was Nothing!\u00a0 Right \u2013 before we start, make sure you have your water with you.\u00a0 Any back injuries or other injuries I should know about?\u201d and then, voice lowers, brow darkens, tone lowers and\u2026\u201dAnyone New To The Class Today??\u201d<\/p>\n
So in spite of plucking up enough courage to even enter the class in the first place, tiptoeing humbly to the back, avoiding the Gals Who Were There Last Time, carefully navigating the Territorial Mats, and hoping you have blended enough into the background to have been forgotten\u2026 Your carefully contrived cover is blown to smithereens in a second.\u00a0 All eyes are trained on you.\u00a0 All expressions are of malicious expectation as you, trembling, raise your hand\u2026<\/p>\n
With this kind of introduction to a new class, the experienced Newcomer quickly masters the Watch And Learn technique.\u00a0 Which basically means: allow a 2-second time delay before responding to any instruction.\u00a0 Use this 2 seconds to quickly scan, analyse and memorise what The Room In General Is Doing.\u00a0 Then do it \u2013 very quickly \u2013 before they get up, or change position, or notice you.\u00a0 This invariably means you either:
\na)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Do not even get started \u2013 some moves being 2 seconds or less.
\nb)\u00a0\u00a0 Do a very speeded-up version of the move, which is probably not very effective at all, and leaves you rather breathless and flustered just in time for the next 2-second time delay.
\nc)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Land in an ungainly heap on the floor, effectively erasing the entire 2-second technique, all eyes now being firmly focussed on you for the duration of the class.<\/p>\n
So you will understand how I felt when I finally plucked up the courage and went to Yoga.\u00a0 For a start I had no idea what to wear.\u00a0 Seriously \u2013 I rocked up in full aerobics gear (labels and everything), socks and trainers, complete\u00a0 with a moisturewick (I think that\u2019s what it said)\u00a0 sweat towel and a bottle of water \u2013 ready for Action.\u00a0 I did not need the trainers.\u00a0 Or the Hidden Socks. Or the towel. (Correction \u2013 I could have done with the towel several times during the hour\u2026but no one else had one.\u00a0 I am NOT the one for Doing Something Different.\u00a0 Think Lemming.\u00a0 Think Ostrich.\u00a0 Think Sheep.\u00a0 That\u2019s me.)<\/p>\n
So there I am.\u00a0 Number Thirteen.\u00a0 Entering a New Room.\u00a0 With twelve other Gals Who Were There Last Time (the last about 40 times, I gathered later).\u00a0 Thirteen mats, strategically scattered around the room in seemingly random order.\u00a0 (Haha \u2013 not to the Experienced Newcomer!\u00a0 No Siree \u2013 not me.\u00a0 I was not going to Stick Out, Cause A Scene, Innocently Exappropriate a Mat of a Last Time Gal).<\/p>\n
So I hang back, do a quick reconnaissance, duck my head, hold my breath, and scuttle quietly to the back, selecting the shabbiest, most inconspicuous mat I can find.<\/p>\n
So far, it is pretty much as I have expected.\u00a0 Except\u00a0 – horrors! -it seems that my carefully selected matching Nike outfit and tight fitting (rather too tight-fitting, but hey \u2013 that\u2019s why I\u2019m at yoga) garments are glaringly out of place here.\u00a0 Here everyone looks like they just stepped out of Home and Garden, in their elegant Lounging Attire.\u00a0 Those pants that you see on girls in the movies \u2013 you know?\u00a0 Where they cling attractively to their hip bones, and fall gracefully from the non-existent curve of their belly.\u00a0 Belly buttons galore \u2013 flat and sleek and tanned.\u00a0 You know what I mean. Intimidating. Terrifying.<\/p>\n
I desperately pull at the offending lycra and try to surreptitiously lower my waistband, hoping for the same graceful hip-bone transformation.\u00a0 Sadly I succeed only in exposing my non-Nivea derriere and accentuating my bulging waistline, which now hangs disconsolately over the band of my Nike-Air Extreme-Gusset-Control sweat pants; not to mention the baggy bit around my cellulite-enhanced Glutes which looks suspiciously like I have had an embarrassing accident and am not sure what to do with it.<\/p>\n
To make matters worse, one of the Sleek Belly Buttons is advancing with Intent.\u00a0 My belly button quivers and swallows itself up in comforting rolls of fat as I look miserably to the floor and hope I have not been spotted.\u00a0 No such luck, Thirteen.\u00a0\u00a0 The honeyed voice matches the graceful leisure-wear.\u00a0 \u201cUm\u2026sorry to be a pain.\u00a0 But\u2026This Is My Mat.\u00a0 I always go at the very back , you see, because I am just hopeless and I don\u2019t want anyone to see me\u2026\u201d (this with a musical tinkling laugh, accompanied by eleven others, rising in comradely unison).\u00a0 I blush to my (badly in need of a touch-up) roots and mumble incoherently, step away hastily, trip over my Extreme Gusset, and land in an ungainly heap on the floor\u2026<\/p>\n
At which point the Yoga instructor (guru or Zen-master or chief or whatever \u2013 I am quite sure there is a name The Gals Who Came Last Time know, which I clearly do not) beams dazzlingly upon the room and says \u201cAnyone New To The Class Today\u2026?\u201d\u00a0 And the nightmare begins\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I started Yoga two weeks ago.\u00a0 I decided it was Time.\u00a0 Two of my friends told me they were \u201calso just beginning\u201d and \u201ccompletely useless\u201d and that I would feel very comfortable in this small group of 13. (I was … Continue reading