{"id":38,"date":"2011-03-02T07:41:11","date_gmt":"2011-03-02T07:41:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/one-mouse.com\/?p=38"},"modified":"2011-03-02T07:41:11","modified_gmt":"2011-03-02T07:41:11","slug":"a-story-about-straws-and-goats","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/?p=38","title":{"rendered":"A Story About Straws, And Goats"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is something I wrote in 2005…cheating a bit, but I am The Blogger, so I can do what I like!<\/p>\n

You will be pleased to know that yesterday will go down in my memory as one of the worst days I have ever experienced.<\/span><\/div>\n
After such an introduction you will be expecting a grisly tale, but it is the final straw that breaks the camel’s back, and yesterday – The Straw arrived.<\/span><\/div>\n
Off I went to work, as one generally does, on a Wednesday.\u00a0 Only to find that there was a power cut at the office (this does happen with some frequency here, funnily enough).\u00a0 This did not disturb me unduly.\u00a0 We have a generator. <\/span><\/div>\n
Alas.<\/span><\/div>\n
It transpired that there were\u00a04 obstacles to the generator’s efficient take-over:<\/span><\/div>\n
1. It is locked inside a metal cage (things tend to get stolen around here with some frequency too), and the keys are kept by 2 people.\u00a0 One of whom was at a funeral, the other of whom was here, but denies all knowledge of ever having had any keys at all, and was therefore not terribly helpful.\u00a0 This was a temporary problem, as we finally gave up the key hunt, and cut the lock.\u00a0 BUT<\/span><\/div>\n
2. It runs on diesel.\u00a0 To say that diesel is in short supply would be an understatement.\u00a0 In any case – there wasn’t a single drop left in the generator, and even all our most persuasive bartering, threatening, cajoling and calling-in of favours only yielded a paltry 5 litres…Which would have been ok, except that<\/span><\/div>\n
3. It also\u00a0requires 2 Very Big batteries, which should ideally be used once a fortnight or so to keep them charged.\u00a0 It turns out that they have not been used for some time (see point 2) and they are As Dead As A Doornail.\u00a0 Which ordinarily would be quite easily solved by jump-starting them\u00a0with a car battery.\u00a0 However<\/span><\/div>\n
4. The only vehicle with a big enough battery is the big delivery truck.\u00a0 Which is currently\u00a0immobile, forlornly abandoned\u00a0somewhere obscure out on the Chiremba Road.\u00a0 See Point 2 above.<\/span><\/div>\n
SO – there we were.\u00a0 No power, no back up plan, planes waiting (real ones), no lights in the coldroom, no computers on which to do shipment lists, no email, no switchboard.\u00a0 Etc.<\/span><\/div>\n
So – we phoned Zesa.<\/span><\/div>\n
Who said – No problem.\u00a0 “Our guys are there working on it”.<\/span><\/div>\n
So we waited.<\/span><\/div>\n
And we waited.<\/span><\/div>\n
And then we phoned Zesa again.<\/span><\/div>\n
Who said “Oh – the airport…\u00a0 Some one has stolen the main cables to your substation.\u00a0 So – it’s a f&*(-up.\u00a0 But don’t worry – our guys are working on it.”<\/span><\/div>\n
So we waited.<\/span><\/div>\n
And we waited.<\/span><\/div>\n
And then we phoned Zesa again.<\/span><\/div>\n
Who said “Ah…yes.\u00a0 The airport.\u00a0 blah blah stolen cables blah blah 4 days”<\/span><\/div>\n
And we said “Sorry…whatii?!”<\/span><\/div>\n
And they said “4 days”<\/span><\/div>\n
And we said “4 days what-ii?”<\/span><\/div>\n
And they said “4 days to fix it.\u00a0 The cables have to be imported.\u00a0 Our guys are working on it.”<\/span><\/div>\n
And that was that. <\/span><\/div>\n
So – we resorted to Manual Labour, and wrote out screeds of lists for various markets, which we sent over to the coldrooms.\u00a0 They (armed with one torch from the security guard, powered by Eveready, which had not been ever ready for several months and was emitting a beam somewhat akin to\u00a0that emitted by a\u00a0candle in the rain) stumbled around in the dark, grabbing boxes and placing them haphazardly onto pallets…and we got them to the plane, just in time.\u00a0 Which was really only because the plane was delayed, due to the disturbing lack of power at the Harare International Airport.\u00a0 Which Zesa have already told you about.<\/span><\/div>\n
ANYWAY – that was not The Straw.<\/span><\/div>\n
The Straw, as it turns out, was a Goat.<\/span><\/div>\n
So – there I was, sitting in the semi-gloom of an office without lights (even in the daytime, even with all the curtains open, even in a not-very-dark place, offices just seem gloomy without lights, and as quiet as a morgue without computers vaguely droning away, and printers printing, and photocopiers copying and phones ringing and people swearing…oh, ok.\u00a0 The swearing bit was happening quite a lot, but it didn’t really have the impact, somehow, echoing as it did around our forlorn powerless space…), contemplating how sad it was that I had forgotten my book, when an alarming scream sounded from the car park outside….<\/span><\/div>\n
Scream.\u00a0 Scream.\u00a0 Whimper.<\/span><\/div>\n
We looked at each other nervously.<\/span><\/div>\n
Whatii??<\/span><\/div>\n
Scream.<\/span><\/div>\n
And there it was – The Goat.<\/span><\/div>\n
Surrounded by 4 grown men, tied up in ropes (The Goat, not the men), bucking and struggling and screaming, while they attempted to take it out of the back seat of their car (yes – car.\u00a0 Like, Nissan Sunny.\u00a0 Where else would one expect to find a goat?)<\/span><\/div>\n
They then proceeded to carry it (scream, scream whimper etc) past\u00a0MY office window and dump it behind\u00a0MY office, bleating and moaning pitifully.\u00a0 And then they left.<\/span><\/div>\n
Now – my office is the last office on the end of the block.\u00a0 And The Goat was out of sight round the corner of the block.\u00a0 But – it was there, and it was distraught, and I could hear it.<\/span><\/div>\n
So – a little astounded at having had A Goat manhandled past my window, and more than a little ruffled by the poor creature’s anguish, I went out To Investigate.\u00a0 (Not The Goat, I must confess – I was not brave enough to see it face to face).\u00a0 I went to interrogate the Goat-Dumpers, who had just dumped Said Goat outside my office and returned to THEIR office, which is at the opposite extremity of the block, and well sound-proofed to boot.<\/span><\/div>\n
“Er…hello.” said I, wondering what the correct opening to such a conversation should be. “Um…did you just dump A Goat outside my office window?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Yes.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Oh- yes, I see.\u00a0 Well…um…Whose Goat is it?” Said I, as politely as anything.<\/span><\/div>\n
“Ours.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Oh…OK.\u00a0 Um – what are you planning to do with it?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Eat it.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Oh.\u00a0 OK.\u00a0 Well, um – when exactly will you be eating it?\u00a0 Only – it’s crying outside my window, and although I technically have no problem with eating a goat, I am having a bit of a problem adjusting to\u00a0This Goat,\u00a0crying outside my window.\u00a0 You know?”<\/span><\/div>\n
Silence.<\/span><\/div>\n
“Ah…good.\u00a0 OK – so…you are going to kill\u00a0it?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Yes.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“And eat it.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Yes.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Ah…great.\u00a0 So – um, when do you plan to kill it?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Later.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Ah…OK.\u00a0 Um – is there any way you could um…move it, in the mean time?\u00a0 Away from my office, I mean?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“No.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Oh.\u00a0 OK – well, maybe you could just give it some water or something, to try and quieten it down a bit?\u00a0 Only – it seems a bit… distressed, you know?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Water??\u00a0 But we are going to kill it.\u00a0 Why does it need water?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Oh – yes.\u00a0 Ok…um…in that case, maybe you could just, um, kill it right away?\u00a0 To, um, put it out of its misery?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“No.\u00a0 We will kill it later.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Oh.\u00a0 Ok – thanks very much.\u00a0 Good bye.”\u00a0 Said I, politely.<\/span><\/div>\n
And\u00a0returned to my office.\u00a0 Screams becoming louder and more pitiful as I rounded the corner…Only to meet Itai, who was also returning from his Goat Investigation.\u00a0 He, alas, was braver than I, and had actually been to see The Goat –\u00a0bloodied, battered and terrified – \u00a0and had tried to loosen its ropes a bit, and had settled it into a patch of sunlight, where it eventually went to sleep. <\/span><\/div>\n
For a while.<\/span><\/div>\n
Then…<\/span><\/div>\n
Scream.\u00a0 Bleat.\u00a0 Scream.<\/span><\/div>\n
It started again.<\/span><\/div>\n
For nearly 5 HOURS.<\/span><\/div>\n
While it awaited certain execution.<\/span><\/div>\n
So – I went back to the other office to try again.<\/span><\/div>\n
“Er…hello, there…um…chaps.\u00a0 It’s me again.\u00a0 Just wondering, um, if you’re nearly ready for lunch…?\u00a0 You know – The Goat…?”<\/span><\/div>\n
“No.\u00a0 No power.”<\/span><\/div>\n
“Oh…yes.\u00a0 Yes, quite right.\u00a0 There is no power…well, okey dokey, then.\u00a0 Bye.”<\/span><\/div>\n
Trundle trundle.\u00a0 Scream scream bleat scream.<\/span><\/div>\n
And THAT was the straw.<\/span><\/div>\n
Eventually, the poor goat was duly killed.\u00a0 And cut into bits and shared out amongst everyone concerned.\u00a0 And taken home to cook, Zesa having been true to their word and not managed to restore power that day.<\/span><\/div>\n
And I sat in my gloomy office, blissful silence at last restored to the sunny patch outside my window, and mused upon my day…And thought…What the f(*&! am I doing\u00a0here?????<\/span><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is something I wrote in 2005…cheating a bit, but I am The Blogger, so I can do what I like! You will be pleased to know that yesterday will go down in my memory as one of the worst … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-38","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=38"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40,"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38\/revisions\/40"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=38"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=38"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/one-mouse.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=38"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}