There are some things which just make my toes curl up, and induce fear and trembling into my heart in an instant.\u00a0 We all have them ,apparently –\u00a0 phobias, hang-ups and insecurities.\u00a0 Or at least, that\u2019s what they\u2019d have you believe\u2026you know \u2013 that even Cosmo models have hang ups about their looks (hahaha) and that even the most accomplished performer is nervous going on stage\u2026that sort of thing.<\/p>\n
Personally I think it\u2019s a load of bollocks.\u00a0 When you can Waka Waka like Shakira and when you look like Kate Moss \u2013 it\u2019s pretty lame to claim insecurity as one of your lesser attributes.\u00a0 I mean \u2013 can you honestly tell me the Nivea girl worries about her cellulite??<\/p>\n
Anyway \u2013 I digress.<\/p>\n
One thing that really sends me into a blind panic is being invited to a dress-up party\u2026 Not a Hat Party, or a Masquerade, or a Wear Pink party.\u00a0 That sort of thing is easy.\u00a0 Fun, at a stretch.\u00a0 But what I really, really, really hate is being invited to a Vampire Party.\u00a0 Or a Pimps and Prostitutes Party.\u00a0 Or, worse still \u2013 a Rocky Horror party.<\/p>\n
Because, let\u2019s face it \u2013 it\u2019s hard enough as it is just getting dressed in the morning \u2013 finding a confortable pair of knickers without holes in is a challenge all of its own.\u00a0 But when you throw in fishnet stockings and liquid eye-liner\u2026.well, let\u2019s just say it is Not My Thing.<\/p>\n
(On a side note – I believe there are gals who wear matching underwear just to do the school run\u2026 I kid you not!!!!\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I own a single bra that matches a single pair of knickers in my drawer.\u00a0 I mean – when you buy those 3 for 1 specials from Asda made of t-shirt material, they generally don\u2019t come with knickers in any case.\u00a0 Seriously \u2013 who\u2019s going to see your pants anyway? \u2013 apart from the proverbial ambulance driver who is going to hack them off in any case \u2013 assuming he has to access that part of your anatomy \u2013 and by that stage, seriously \u2013 who cares??\u00a0\u00a0 Or some libidinous Italian who cannot wait to get your clothes off\u2026and I think I\u2019d probably run several miles if any such person attempted such a thing \u2013 flattering or not.\u00a0 So I generally go by the principle of \u2013 make sure your bra doesn\u2019t show through your top (black under white is not cool, unless you\u2019re Madonna), and make sure your pants don\u2019t show through whatever you are wearing on your bottom half.\u00a0 And if this results in a beige bra with purple (holey) pants \u2013 well, who cares??)<\/p>\n
Anyway.\u00a0 To get back to the point.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like dress-up.\u00a0 Paticularly not dress-up that involves anything with the word Fish Net in it.\u00a0 Fish nets are stinky, wet, cumbersome tools of the oceanic trade, and should stay where they are intended.<\/p>\n
As for suspender belts \u2013 who on EARTH invented such things?\u00a0 It had to be one of the Nivea Girl\u2019s ancestors, because, seriously, no ordinary mortal would voluntarily come up with a brainwave like that.\u00a0 I can just imagine it:<\/p>\n
\u201cJacob, get thee hither and peruse my most wonderful invention!\u00a0 See \u2013 what marvels lie in store for future generations of lucky female chubblers!\u00a0 They may don my Belt so that it may cut becomingly into their soft torso, accentuating their rolls of Good Living.\u00a0 Then they may put on these bewilderingly long socks and pull them up to the very lushest part of their voluptuous thighs, whereupon this extremely efficacious bit of lace will bite delightfully into their limbs, accentuating most wonderously the merits of\u00a0 Not Taking Too Much Physical Exercise and Enjoying Life. To its Fullest.\u201d<\/p>\n
And don\u2019t even get me STARTED on Bustiers and Corsets.\u00a0 It\u2019s all very well accentuating your cleavage and whatnot \u2013 but if you haven\u2019t got one\u2026well, it\u2019s just all rather sad.\u00a0 Perhaps you have not had the delightful experience of struggling into a bustier, getting someone brave to hook up a million hooks and eyes, or a billion pearly buttons, or tighten a cruel-looking satin ribbon, only to discover, belatedly, in somewhat of a swoon due to severe oxygen deprivation, that everything is extremely tight\u2026except the Bit At The Top.<\/p>\n
But if you have, you will know exactly what I mean. \u00a0Because\u00a0The Bit At The Top is really the whole POINT!!\u00a0 So there is nothing more soul-destroying than going through all that agony to look down at\u2026nothing.\u00a0 Not just the normal Nothing, which is an affliction I know well.\u00a0 But NOTHING Nothing.\u00a0 Extra-delineated, accentuated and exacerbated Nothing.\u00a0 Worse still, looking down from one\u2019s own perspective \u2013 you get a completely clear line of sight into\u2026Nothing.\u00a0 And sure \u2013 it\u2019s not as though I have much to hide – but even I do not relish the thought of Percival Creep getting a bird\u2019s eye view of the family jewels.\u00a0 (Or pebbles in this case.)<\/p>\n
So therein lies the problem.\u00a0 Baldly stated \u2013 I have fat legs and no boobs.\u00a0 There is really no other way of putting it, even as the Blogger.\u00a0 And that\u2019s a fact whether you dress it up or not.\u00a0 The clothes do not maketh the Boobs or breaketh the child-bearing hips. \u00a0And that is why I do not like Dress-up. \u00a0Because no matter what I do, or how hard I try to pretend – basically I just look AWFUL. \u00a0So inviting me to a Rocky Horror dress-up is tantamount to feeding me vomit and making me sit naked in First Street.<\/p>\n
And if you ever do invite me to such a thing, even if I have never met you in my life before, I can already tell 3 important things about you:<\/p>\n
You either:<\/p>\n
There are some things which just make my toes curl up, and induce fear and trembling into my heart in an instant.\u00a0 We all have them ,apparently –\u00a0 phobias, hang-ups and insecurities.\u00a0 Or at least, that\u2019s what they\u2019d have you … Continue reading