My son (who\u2019s six) wants a baby.\u00a0 It has been the topic of discussion for nearly ten days now, and is threatening to top the charts \u2013 his previous obsession (the real Woody and Bullseye from Toy Story) having lasted nearly 14.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately I unwittingly contributed to this by implementing my policy of: If the question arises, answer it. As honestly as you can. (As you have probably noticed from previous blogs, my Policies are not exactly fool proof.\u00a0 You\u2019d have thought I\u2019d have learned by now\u2026)<\/p>\n
So here\u2019s what led to the Baby Discussion:<\/p>\n
My son lay back in the bath for one of his lengthy philosophical discussions.\u00a0 I could tell, by the look in his eye.\u00a0 Now if you are the kind of mother who plays a lot of Trivial Pursuit and watches endless National Geographic and Discovery documentaries, you probably do not have the Oh No Here Comes Another Question I Cannot Answer Syndrome.<\/p>\n
I, on the other hand, have the general knowledge capacity of a barnacle, and my standard answer to most questions is, \u201cI don\u2019t know, you\u2019ll have to ask Dad\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019m not sure, we\u2019ll have to look it up on the Internet.\u201d (How anyone ever coped before the Internet is quite beyond me.\u00a0 I mean, I remember looking up things in the Encyclopaedia or the Collins Factfinder, etc as a child.\u00a0 But let\u2019s face it \u2013 it\u2019s not quite the same as Asking Jeeves how to make An Almost Flourless Chocolate Cake or Googling Cowboy Games for 6 Year Olds, now, is it?)<\/p>\n
Not only am I distinctly lacking in the general knowledge department, but I also have the kind of son who says things like \u201cThis book says mammals don\u2019t have gills.\u00a0 An octopus doesn\u2019t have gills.\u00a0 So \u2013 is it a mammal?\u201d\u00a0 Clearly the answer is No.\u00a0 Even I know that.\u00a0 But I also know that the next question will be: \u201cWell, what is an octopus then?\u201d (It is at this point that I generally roll out the Dad or Internet option\u2026)<\/p>\n
So imagine my delight when I was finally able to answer one of my son\u2019s questions:<\/p>\n
\u201cMum \u2013 where does your body keep the wee before you go to the toilet?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have a little bag-thingy in your tummy called a bladder, and that\u2019s where the wee is stored\u201d (OK \u2013 not exactly Einstein\u2019s version, but he\u2019s only six!)<\/p>\n
I can tell by the imperceptible gleam in his eye that his brain has processed that and has found the answer lacking.\u00a0 Uh-oh.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u00a0 I thought it was this little bag here that holds the wee.\u00a0 So \u2013 what\u2019s that for?\u201d<\/p>\n
(A brief aside \u2013 my best friend is a vet.\u00a0 And her policy is always to answer questions about the body as factually and as clearly as possible.\u00a0 If the question arises \u2013 answer it and don\u2019t flubber around with the birds and the bees \u2013 it is much simpler and less confusing for the child that way.\u00a0 I agree with her.\u00a0 It makes a lot of sense.\u00a0 So I have a list of carefully prepared Scientific Answers to All Sorts Of Things. Problem is, I have never been called upon to actually use them before.\u00a0 And, let\u2019s face it, I am not a vet.\u00a0 So my idea of Scientific is\u2026well, probably a bit weak, to put it mildly.)<\/p>\n
So I take a deep breath and say, nonchalantly, \u201cThat little bag is where your body stores sperm for when you are a bit bigger and want to make a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
The gleam in his eye is now a force-10 lighthouse emission.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh!\u00a0 So \u2013 a boy CAN have a baby then?\u201d<\/p>\n
(The baby thing has come up a few times before.\u00a0 Most notably when he was about 2 and went around telling everyone he had a squirrel in his tummy.)<\/p>\n
I surge on, vaguely aware that I am probably out of my depth here, but determined to prove myself with this Scientific Moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u2026no.\u00a0 You need a mummy and a daddy for a baby.\u00a0 The mummy carries the baby in her tummy.\u00a0 But she can\u2019t get a baby unless the daddy gives her a sperm to fertilise the egg.\u201d<\/p>\n
My son is now sitting straight up in the bath, and I just KNOW that what is coming next cannot be good.<\/p>\n
\u201cAha!\u00a0 So\u2026Daddy can just GIVE you a baby?\u201d<\/p>\n
(I admit, at this point I probably should have just said \u2013 let\u2019s look it up on the internet in a few years\u2019 time.\u00a0 But I wanted to dispel any notions that I might actually be contemplating asking Daddy for a baby.)<\/p>\n
So I said: \u201cYes\u2026but only if the mummy and the daddy both want a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sinks back under the bubbles and I sigh with pride.\u00a0 My first Scientific Discussion safely navigated.\u00a0 Admittedly with a few anxious moments, but generally well executed, I feel.<\/p>\n
I ought to have known better. \u00a0Suddenly he sits up again and announces:<\/p>\n
\u201cI am going to phone Dad and ask him to bring you a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh dear.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell \u2013 it doesn\u2019t really work like that,\u201d I begin, bravely.\u00a0 Then I see the gleam in his eye again and rapidly abandon any pretence of Scientific Anything and attempt, very belatedly, to rescue the situation.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyway \u2013 who will look after a baby?\u00a0 I certainly don\u2019t have time for a baby, and Daddy is too busy, and you and your sister won\u2019t want a little pest following you round all day and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do want a little pest!\u00a0 Please, please, PLEASE ask Daddy to give you a baby. \u00a0I’ll look after it, and feed it and change it and give it a name. \u00a0It can be MY baby. Please.\u00a0 He can just bring us one.\u00a0 You said he can.\u00a0 You said I just have to ask and Daddy can bring us a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh dear.\u00a0 This is NOT going well.\u00a0 My son\u2019s (usually very clear and logical) reasoning has deteriorated.\u00a0 I quickly review the last 10 minutes\u2019 worth of discussion and realise that I should have just reverted to Jeeves at the initial opening.\u00a0 We could have found a safe little picture of a Bladder and he could have been distracted by the Kidneys and Whatnot and I am quite sure we could have had a nice navigation around the Adrenal Gland or something else innocuous and I would not be where I am right now.\u00a0 Which is quite clearly in the bathroom, with a dripping, delusional son, dealing with a procreational crisis all of my own making\u2026<\/p>\n
So – I make a mental note to kill my best friend, and abruptly change the subject:<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s go out and buy you the Genuine Woody and Bullseye Toys from The Original Toy Story 3 Movie.\u00a0 I know I spent the last two weeks telling you they are far too expensive and a complete waste of money but, you know what?\u00a0 I\u2019ve changed my mind!!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My son (who\u2019s six) wants a baby.\u00a0 It has been the topic of discussion for nearly ten days now, and is threatening to top the charts \u2013 his previous obsession (the real Woody and Bullseye from Toy Story) having lasted … Continue reading