There is an annual phenomenon in the town where I live called The Wine Festival. Tickets go on sale about 4 months before the event, and about 2 hours before they go on sale, they are sold out. Which is a convoluted way of saying that unless you Know Someone, or Are Known by Someone, or Know Something About Someone that Someone Else Ought Not To Know \u2013 you don\u2019t get tickets. It\u2019s really that simple.<\/p>\n
In case you haven\u2019t been before (because you were out of the country or washing your hair or at your Mother\u2019s Great-Aunt\u2019s Cat\u2019s 100th Birthday Party, and NOT \u2013 Heaven Forbid \u2013 because you couldn\u2019t get tickets), here are some well-tested pointers.<\/p>\n
Always check the Dress Code. Because there always is one. And it is never simple. Bright White With A Touch Of Citrus may sound simple enough. And may even look simple enough. But, take it from one who knows \u2013 this seemingly innocuous kind of dress code is not something you want to be tackling 10 minutes before you are due to get into the car. <\/p>\n
For a start, it involves Adjectives. If you don\u2019t believe me, get out every bit of white clothing you possess and have a very careful look at it. I can pretty much guarantee that, unless you are a Nurse or a CSI Forensics Person or a Nun or a Choir Boy (in which case the Wine Fest is not for you anyway), the word \u201cBright\u201d will be a stumbling block. Creamy-white, off-white, grey-white, sort-of-white, used-to-be-white, should-be-white and not-quite-white are there in great abundance. But \u201cBright\u201d white??<\/p>\n
And you need to bear in mind that you are going to a do where roughly 750 people will be vying for about 7.5 porta-loos. You may think you are above such things, but believe me \u2013 sometime between the time you arrive (about noon) and the time you leave (about noon the next day) you are going to lower yourself (possibly literally) to avail yourself of these facilities. And when you do \u2013 you do not want to be wearing Bright White. You also do not want to be wearing an Indian Wrap Around Sarong-Trouser Thing which has to be unravelled and reravelled and untied and retied and deftly tucked and tweaked back into place. All the while balancing on one foot, avoiding the puddle (which gets bigger, but oddly less noticeable, the more the evening wears on), and clutching desperately onto your wine glass (more about this later, but trust me – you only get one, and It Matters). This is definitely one of those occasions when it does well to check the bottom of your shoe for trailing loo paper (or trailing other things \u2013 mercifully exponentially unidentifiable as time goes on) as you leave the facility.<\/p>\n
So \u2013 back to The Glass. It is very simple: Remember to collect your glass at the door. And keep it with you at all times. It is The Only One You Get. People kill for less. (When you first arrive, you really have no excuse for forgetting what one is supposed to do at a wine festival \u2013 i.e. taste wine. This may become a bit hazy the further into the wine tent you proceed \u2013 but when you arrive \u2013 you\u2019d be well advised to collect your glass).<\/p>\n
I know you are not going to take this next bit of advice, but I will proffer it anyway. Before you take another step, locate the big barrel of mineral water, grab a bottle, and keep taking surreptitious slurps from it. Seriously. It helps enormously later when you are putting Your Name on A List. As I said, you will probably not heed me now, but alas \u2013 all things are clear in hindsight.<\/p>\n
OK \u2013 so now you are ready to begin. I think the best bit of advice I can give at this point is this \u2013 do not be intimidated! Always remember that, excluding the people from the wineries (poor, genuine, highly qualified folk who really ought not to be exposed to our heathen masses), of the 750 odd people who are there, about 7.5 of them are authentic wine tasters. <\/p>\n
The rest of us are most certainly also there for the wine. But not in the Connoisseur Sense. More in the I-Have-Paid-65-Dollars-For-My-Ticket-And-I-Am-Darn-Well-Going-To-Get-My-65-Dollars\u2019-Worth Sense. Not that any of us will admit that, at The Entrance. When our Whites are still Bright and our Citrus is still Zesty. At this point, we are all still using words like Well-Rounded and Full-Bodied in reference to what is in our glass, and not in reference to what is in our fantasies. We are not trailing loo-paper and we are still standing up straight. We have not become mysteriously befuddled with the Later Conundrum which is \u2013 Sauvignon What?? <\/p>\n
The next bit of advice I can give you is this \u2013 if you are even vaguely interested in keeping up the appearance of a Serious Taster \u2013 head off as directly as possible to the stands whose wine you wish to sample, as soon as you arrive. Look neither right nor left and do NOT make eye contact. Because in this town, where 750 tickets sell out before they are on sale because of Who You Know \u2013 you can guarantee that Who You Know will be there. En masse. And if you so much as stop for a single second to talk to One of Them, you are doomed. You will end up tasting what they are tasting. And whatever is in the bottle next to it. And whatever the nice chap with the blue eyes is having, and then tasting something else that someone else is tasting. And then you will get them to taste what you\u2019ve just tasted and\u2026well, basically it all goes rapidly downhill from there.<\/p>\n
So \u2013 if you are attempting to take this whole thing seriously \u2013 I reiterate \u2013 get the Real Wine Tasting done in a business-like manner, as quickly as possible. And make a mental, or even a written note (you will look seriously impressive if you rush around with a notepad\u20267.5 people will be impressed. The rest of us will either not notice, or will wonder where our notepad is and whether we have missed out on a complimentary gift somewhere along the line – $65 ticket and all that.) <\/p>\n
And the last bit of advice I will give is this \u2013 beware of anyone brandishing A List. If you put your name down on A List, you will be Phoned at a later date, when you are sober and back in your grey-white and sensible shoes. And when the reality of 26 cases of wine that you have ordered (yes \u2013 ordered) somehow does not quite match up to the exuberant (if slightly incomprehensible) manner in which you ordered them. And when you are Phoned and you go in (like a rabbit caught in the headlights, terrified to face the reality of The Lists You Put Your Name On), they don\u2019t check their list and say \u201cOh yes \u2013 hullo, Mrs So and So \u2013 now you ordered the XYZ Sauvignon What? And the ABC Chenin Blotto \u2013 here are your 428 bottles and that will be six thousand dollars, thank you.\u201d (they do say the last bit, but only at the end).
\nNo \u2013 they say \u2013 \u201cOh hullo Mrs So and So\u2026sorry we don\u2019t have our list at the moment. Can you remember which wine it was?\u201d
\nAnd you say\u2026\u201dUmmmm\u2026sort-of.\u201d
\n(bearing in mind these are the people who set the Bright White theme \u2013 they are not really into sort-of)
\nAnd they say, \u201cOh Dear. Well \u2013 can you remember the Name of the Estate?\u201d
\nAnd you say\u2026\u201dErrrr\u2026not\u2026exactly.\u201d
\nAnd they say, \u201cWell \u2013 perhaps you could tell us the type of wine, madam? Was it a Cabernet What?\u201d
\nAnd you say\u2026\u201dAaaah\u2026I think\u2026yes\u2026I know\u2026almost definitely\u2026sort of\u2026that it was a\u2026What??\u201d
\nAnd they say (helpfully), \u201cOh dear. Let me find the list, Mrs So And So\u201d
\n(I mean \u2013 couldn\u2019t they have done that at the start??)
\nAnd THEN \u2013 they come out, triumphantly, brandishing a bottle of Butiensomethingveryafrikaansandlong Buiten Blanc , and say, knowingly: \u201cAh\u2026the Buitenwhatsitsomethingexpensive Buiten Blanc! Excellent choice, madam. Here are your 428 bottles and that will be six thousand dollars, thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
And you walk away a bit bewildered. And somehow not sure that you did really get away with that 65 dollars\u2019 worth of wine ticket, after all\u2026 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
There is an annual phenomenon in the town where I live called The Wine Festival. Tickets go on sale about 4 months before the event, and about 2 hours before they go on sale, they are sold out. Which is … Continue reading